It’s 6 in the morning and we have been up since around 4:30 or so. Time is such a blur!
O is now getting ready for work and I am back in bed but unable to sleep again. I am more concerned about O not having enough stamina to stay awake and focused at work, but he said he will be fine and I trust him. It’s a good thing that the traffic will not be bad for him to get to work in downtown today because I assume that most people will have today off as part of the holiday saga. Probably he will get off work early today and be home with us. We were invited to a New Year Eve party but declined the invitation because Peanut is still not feeling well.
As I am writing this part, O has left for work. I heard the sound of the garage door closing in. The warm scent of bitter coffee that he brew still lingers, awakening my senses.
My sleeping hours have been shortened and chopped into small intervals during these past two nights. I feel like loosing an arm or a leg walking around, like a zombie does. My age is showing through two nights of taking care of Peanut. At times like this I somehow regret that O and I had kids at a later age whereas we should have tried in my mid 20s instead of mid 30s.
At least at the earlier age, youth and vitality would have saved our butts from being so physically exhausted like we are now. But in our defense for not having kids at earlier age was because we were not ready for that yet, not at the age where I was in the midst of graduate school and O was about to quit his job for business school. We were together then, with youth and vitality, but not financially stable to even think about marriage, let alone having children. Either way, we have to pay for it one way or another, and the latter took whatever youthful energy we have left, leaving us with back pain and insomnia. And perhaps, lots of wrinkles.
I sound bitter writing that thought, but it was just a fleeting regret. Having PP and Peanut in our lives is a blessing that I would have even sold my soul to gain such joy in life. Even during the nights that they keep us up because they have fever, nosebleeds, nightmares, or simply want to snuggle in our bed — there is a happiness in everything and every moment we spend with them. It might sound cliché talking about happiness that way, but if truth is apparent, a cliché is a small matter to care.
Recently I had a miscarriage; it left me brewing in my own sadness for weeks. During those days reflecting on the incident and my inability to keep the baby, I thought to myself that I was too greedy to just focus on the loss of a fetus and not being grateful for having two handsome, charming and healthy children that I already have. So I took time to mourn the loss of my flesh that could not survive the womb, and pray to all the high Beings out there to protect that little soul in its journey to the other world, and also to protect my two boys. I am grateful that a tiny soul came to my life, however briefly it stayed, and even more grateful that I have the ability to give birth and raise the boys. It’s all about seeing things and living life in perspective, and not in comparison with others.
Last week, I cleaned my closet and gave all my maternity clothes away to my two sisters-in-law who are both due at the end of March. Both will have girls, and one of them is already my god-daughter.
It’s already 7 a.m.
O just sent me a text message, letting me know that he arrived at Ghost Town because everyone in his department took the day off.
The boys are still sleeping. Peanut was up at 5:30 and crying out for me but now is is back to sound sleep. His temperature was still straddling between 99F and 100F the last time I checked. The lymph node is still swollen and caused him discomfort. It will take a few day for the swelling to subside. I hope it’s just a minor infection and nothing more than that.
I am rambling on with not much of intellectual grey matter when writing this post so please pardon the senseless nuances of my thought process for now. Sleepless nights dumb me down in a way because the brain has exhausted the quality of my intelligence.
It’s been a strange and wonderful year for our family. I wish I have more energy to reflect all the events of the year but like I said earlier, youth and vitality are not my good friends right now, so I just want to wrap up with a sense of accomplishment for the most part.
Happy New Year to all my readers, those who stop by daily and those on occasions. This blog is not here for popularity or cashing any profits, so I know that people who comes to read do enjoy whatever rambling this stay-home-mom has to share. Thank you for loving my two boys and seeing them grow through my posts. They will continue to dominate this blog for now and the time to come.
I usually don’t have new year resolutions, they tend to be promises that are easily broken, but I aim to live simply and being true — or truer — to myself.