Last night Mr. O asked me if I am still sad and mourning. My answer was an honest yes, but there are moments. I don’t hold it all day like I used to, but there were moments in the day that called for a trigger, and I dealt with it head on, such as taking a moment sitting in my car to catch up with my breathing and telling myself that it was ok to feel it.
I told my husband that it is not something that I should hide, ignore, or put up a cover…but I truly need to be honest with myself. My doctor told me that it is normal to go through the sliding scale, and eventually, I will wean off of it. If I am grieving, then damn it I am grieving…and I am not putting any shroud over my emotion.
I also want to take this opportunity to apologize to my readers, that lately my posts are quite depressing and morose. I promise to take away the dampening spirit once I am fully recovered with my emotional self. I will be back to my cheery self soon…I hope!
Anyway, last Saturday I spent a whole day taking two classes — First Aid Response and CPR (Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation). Oddly, for the past two or three nights I dreamed of rescuing and saving random people on the street with my skills, with a 100% success rate.
Then last night I dreamed of my father, and he was on his deathbed with his last few breaths begging to be saved, but I could not save him at all. I found myself standing there in panic, and not knowing what to do in the order of what I learned in class. I was stumbling with my coordination, and trying my best but to no avail; he could not be saved. I cried so much in regrets for failing, that upon waking up I still had dampened tears on my face. What a vivid dream!
I don’t know if nature spirit is sending me a sign, or perhaps it’s just my own wild imagination while asleep. Either way, I hope he is doing well and healthy over there, and does not need the be saved the way he did in my dream.
And YES, I am now First Aid and CPR certified, you guys! Anyone needs resuscitation?
While Peanut was in preschool I treated myself to a walk at the park on a warm-weather day of 40F. Fresh air and sunshine did wonder for my spirit.